Saturday, June 2, 2012

The wait/The weight

Today is the seventh day of Emmett's little life and the seventh day of sitting at the side of his little hospital cot, staring at his monitors and willing the numbers to change.

He is doing so much better than he was a week ago. After two days of intubation he was ready to step down to a forced air mask. After a day of that he moved on to low flow oxygen (the tube and nose prongs you think of for people receiving oxygen). Yesterday his two IVs came out, along with the ng tube they had been using to give him my milk.

He's nursing on demand (when I am here) and taking bottles of breast milk when I am not. He looks and acts like a totally normal one week old, but his lungs still aren't strong enough to lee his oxygen saturation levels appropriate. And no one can say when they will be. The answer I get every time I ask is "it's up to him". Could be days, could be another week.. I prefer not to think about any amount of time greater than that.

We've settled into a little routine ad I split my time between home and hospital. I wake up with Ollie around six and have a little visit and a cuddle foil 7:30. Then Chris gets up and I scramble to get dressed and packed up with all my food and pumping equipment for the day. Marnie drives me to the hospital for 8:30 and I settle into caring for Emmett in a way as close to the way I would at home as I can. Sometime in the afternoon Chris joins me while my parents watch Ollie and then we head home together for dinner around five. I try to act normal for Ollie and just hang out an relax until he heads up to bed with Chris and then I repeat the morning routine, heading to hospital until about 11 when I rush home to pump one last time and then fall into bed around midnight.

So far I am coping alright. I don't feel crazy tired and I physically feel almost as good as I did Pre-delivery. And when I am with Emmett I mostly feel happy (although with underlying anxiety), and when I am with Ollie I feel pretty happy (with underlying anxiety). It is the transition times I find the worst. Walking out the door of my house or the hospital it feels like someone has slipped a weighted cloak over my whole body and I just feel held down and deeply sad. As many times as I tell myself that it will eventually be over, I just can't shake the weight of walking around waiting to get to see Ollie running around the house like a maniac or to watch Emmett smiling milky little smiles in his sleep. Traveling between home and hospital makes the distance feel so real and unbearable that thinking about the time when this has passed seems impossibly optimistic. We'll get there, but not knowing when is just eating away at me.

1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine how tough this has to be on you and your family. You're in my thoughts every day and I can't wait to read the update that Emmett is home. Big hugs friend.

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