Monday, November 7, 2011

I suck

I've had a pretty shitty week - starting with nonstop nausea that gave way to a headache that I think is a sinus infection, that started Thursday and still hasn't fully let up.

Thursday and Friday happen to be the days that Ollie and I get to spend together (the joy of my part time work week), but this week they were probably his worst days by far. Poor little monkey was parked in front of the TV, or tricked into hanging out in bed with me while I lay down for "just a minute". Lucky for him, my incredible neighbours were willing and able to take him out to play and keep him from going completely stir crazy. I seriously don't know what I'd do without them.

I'm doing my best to be positive and know that this is temporary - this isn't even an issue of my first trimester being rough.. besides the last two weeks, I've felt totally fine (ish), so it is hopefully mostly that I just need this sinus infection to clear. But feeling this crummy is just dragging me down and making me feel like I suck at everything.

Besides leaning so heavily on my neighbours, and my husband (who has really picked up my slack this week, big time), I feel like I'm short changing Ollie. I can't give him 100%, and whether he needs it or not that's what he's used to from me. From attention, to nursing, to home cooked meals, to outings, I really put my all into being Ollie's mum. But right now, I'm giving it about 50%. When Chris gets home from work, I go to bed. I'm getting tired of nursing because I feel like it is really draining, but I don't want to force Ollie to wean, so I'm just kind of irritated when he wants to nurse anytime other than morning or night. I haven't cooked or cleaned anything in a week and a half (for real, my Nanny has even had to do the grocery shopping twice this week).

And I feel like I'm short changing the new baby. When I was pregnant with Ollie, I made sure to eat right, get rest, drink enough water. I practiced and taught yoga, I had almost weekly acupuncture treatments, I drank teas and took supplements, and wrote a birth plan and was a good little mother to be. So far this time around, I take prenatal vitamins. That's it. Sometimes, if I have extra time, I work myself into a panic attack over giving birth. That's kind of like writing a birth plan, right?

I guess this is the balance that all mums have to work through. This is just the most challenging I've ever found the job. I'm worried that if I find it this hard to keep up with just a piddly little sinus infection, I'm never going to manage the long, sleepless nights of a newborn, coupled with the crazy early mornings of a toddler (I'm talking 4 a.m. - pre daylight savings).

In summary: boo hoo hoo for me.

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